


Loud Noises

by droid_girl



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M, crack!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 03:49:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12203307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/droid_girl/pseuds/droid_girl
Summary: A rather unlikely tale of how Sansa and Jaime got together after the Season 7 Finale of GoT.The Stark girl turned her face to the sky again with an expression of extreme ire. “Well, that’s hardly fair. Sansa gets her man meat and I get a desiccated corpse.”Warning: Flagrant misunderstanding of how bazookas work. Also, crack!fic.





	Loud Noises

To Jaime’s relief, the road North offered little in the way of obstacles, aside from the single snowflake he had seen as soon as he had left King’s Landing. Not that one snowflake was an obstacle. An interesting diversion, if anything.

As he galloped unchallenged through the countryside, he remembered his last journey North with Robert Baratheon’s royal entourage. The journey had taken weeks, meandering past several townships and over multiple notable geographical landscapes. It was a long, boring journey, and with three spoiled royal children in the van, the trip was wont to make any man murderous.

Thus, it was to Jaime’s intense surprise when he arrived at the gates of Winterfell in what felt like no time at all. The journey certainly did not take weeks. In fact, it felt like it took much less than two days. 

“Hoy, you there, what business do you have with the castle?” a fat guard challenged, even as the knight guided his horse in a circle, wondering if he had the right castle.

“And none of this, ‘you’re a long lost Stark business’. Because then we’d have to let you in, considering what happened the last round.” his thin friend added, waving a spear in an approximation of menace.

Jaime turned his incredulous gaze to the two guards. Had the castle employed comedic mummers to man their gates since the last time he had visited?

“When you put it that way, yes, I am indeed, a Stark. Arthas Stark at that, second cousin twice removed to…uh…Brandon Stark. Haven’t written a Solstice card in years but I do send the occasional woven tapestry just to show how much the old country estate has been growing. We now have about twelve aurochs - its all very exciting.” the anointed knight was beginning to warm up to his story. “I have a pet hog. I call him Robert.”

“In that case, Lord Arthas, please do come on in.” the thin one bowed and scraped, losing all semblance of competence.

_How in all the seven hells were these men guards?_

Quirking a perfect brow, Jaime crossed the threshold into the castle proper…only to be treated with a load ‘boom’, which caused both rider and horse to startle. The knight watched gaping as a flaming fireball arced overhead from one of the ramparts, towards the open field beyond the grounds of Winterfell. All around him, the other defenders of the castle bustled about their everyday business, paying not one whit of attention to the flaming thing that just passed above. 

“Good one Sansa!” someone cried out. A girl it sounded like. 

“I bloody well think so!” 

The eldest son of House Lannister followed the second, familiar voice, to see his former good sister peering into the distance with something like pride. On one shoulder, the Lady of Winterfell balanced some large metal contraption; with her free hand, she lifted a smoking pipe to her distractingly full lips and took a cheerful puff. 

Clearly, the fiery orb had originated from the thing she carried, and judging from her satisfied nod, the fireball had found its mark.

“Lady Stark, I’ve come to offer my sword and my services.” Jaime called, hoping to get her attention. He couldn’t help but notice how very fetching she looked in her green dress, with her red hair trailing over her shoulders in wispy scarlet curls…

“Is that Jaime bloody Lannister?” a dark head popped up over the ramparts. It could only be Arya Stark, he thought with surprise. 

“Well as a point of fact, yes.” he nodded, trying not to be affronted by her form of address.

“Isn’t that just…timely.” Sansa eyed him in a way that caused Jaime to flush like a young maiden. 

_Get a hold of yourself Lannister_ , he told himself. 

“I wish for a million gold dragons.” Arya said to no one in particular. 

Suddenly a wight breached the top of the ramparts, directly behind the younger girl. The former Lord Commander would have called out a warning, but the youngest Stark daughter turned and dispatched the dead thing with an efficient swipe of her dagger. Jaime blinked as he processed the rapid turn of events.

The Stark girl turned her face to the sky again with an expression of extreme ire. “Well, that’s hardly fair. Sansa gets her man meat and I get a desiccated corpse. And not a single gold dragon in sight neither.”

“Man meat…” he muttered in consternation as he clambered off his steed. He wasn’t sure how he felt about the sound of that. 

“Well hello there.” the Lady Stark said at his elbow, fluttering her long lashes as she demurely swept her auburn hair behind the perfect shell of her left ear. The metal contraption he had seen braced against her shoulder was still clutched in her right hand. 

“My Lady…”

“Just Sansa,” she twirled a red curl on her forefinger.

“Sansa, what in the name of the Seven is that?” Jaime asked, trying not to let himself be distracted by the not-unflattering gaze of the woman before him. He wondered if his hair was properly in place, and regretted not getting a trim before he had ragingly swept his way out of the Red Keep.

For the life of him, as he stared at Sansa, he couldn’t remember the person who had angered him so only two days prior. Someone blonde, and not very pleasant, he recalled vaguely.

“Oh this?” Sansa raised the weapon and stared at it with great fondness. Several fully grown man in the vicinity ducked in obvious apprehension. “I call her Lady Stoneheart. She destroys twenty wights at a time. Some bookworm from the citadel showed our weapons master how to make one. They call it a Bazooka - inelegant name if you ask me.”

“You could have left it up here instead of bringing it down to show off.” her sister’s voice drifted down. 

“Shut up Arya.” Sansa called without taking her eyes off Jaime. The woman stepped in close, lowering Lady Stoneheart. “So you came to offer your services did you? Maybe I’ll show you how this thing works later…if you’re up for it.”

“Mm…that sounds like…fun.” Jaime’s voice lowered to a gravelly drawl. “It makes a very loud noise…”

“Lots of things make loud noises around here.” her voice had fallen to practically a whisper. 

_Seven hells, she was making him crazy,_ he thought, wondering if her men would fill him with arrows if he gave in to his impulses. That is, he wanted to kiss the woman senseless, among other things.

“Get a room you two.” 

“Arya, you’re ruining everything.” Sansa shouted in a much louder voice, looking exasperatedly up at her sister. Her blue eyes immediately returned to the knight before her, as did her warm smile. “Though she has a point.”

“I should probably remind you, I’m a Lannister. My family and I have done some terrible things. There was that time I shoved your brother out a window because he was interrupting a good shag.” Jaime said, deciding to get the burden of his guilt off his chest. 

“Who, Bran? He’s the three eyed raven now so don’t worry about it.” Sansa rolled her eyes. 

“What’s a three eyed…”

“Smart arse crackpot.” both sisters chorused. Sansa added, "Bit pervy too, mind." 

Jaime wisely did not push the subject further.

“Well then.” he said instead as Sansa boldly put one arm around his neck. “What does my Lady command of her humble servant?”

“She wants a shag. She’s told everyone. She even told the Night King.” her sister called out overhead, in between the sounds of a struggle. “Something about ‘what does a Lady have to do around here to get a decent looking man come through those gates for a good shag’. The poor bloke turned his dragon around and flapped away. I think she hurt his feelings. Or his ears.” 

“It’s true, I did do that.” Sansa grinned. “Heat of battle and everything. You know how it is.”

“My Lady, I live to serve.” Jaime drawled lazily, wrapping his good arm around the woman’s waist. 

“Let’s go make loud noises.”


End file.
